Looking Ahead

The 2014 school year started today in South Africa. I’m nervous about where this next year is going to take me…I started organising my schedule over the weekend and although I’m excited about certain courses, I’m nervous about the amount of responsibility I’ve set for myself. I often end up over-working myself to the point of breakdown by the middle of the year holiday, and after that period is over, I merely restart the cycle and re-stress myself by the year-end. Does it make sense then, to go into that pressure now already, knowing what I will ultimately be doing to my peace-of-mind even if it doesn’t affect me yet? Or should I really believe that I can now cope with that workload and dive in?

I believe that it is good to constantly challenge the mind in its ways of thinking and its level of knowledge, but there is definitely a line between what is healthy and that which is destructive, but how can I decide where that line actually is? I know for every person that it’s different, but for myself, I can’t personally define when I’m thinking too unrealistically, because I’m always striving to attain a higher level and the line always hides in the shadows of everything I want to accomplish.

This in particular cannot be a healthy thing. It is wise to know one’s mental boundaries, but I don’t even know where to look for them, despite knowing exactly when I’ve past and broken them. 2014 is the last year I will be using my current curriculum. Next year I’ll either move on to Cambridge long-distance studies, which affords the necessary accreditation and recognition by universities around South Africa, or I’ll spend my last two high school years at a school or college institution. Before I leave this curriculum, my goal was to complete four maths years, three English, one Biology, and about eight years of Afrikaans all in one year. It was going to be tough but I tested myself with the workload for a little bit and I actually coped with it. At the moment however, I don’t have many of those resources, so I made the decision to work to that level anyway with resources that are available and I took a look through the online, free courses that are offered through the platform Coursera. Therefore over this next year, even if I do not complete all those subjects I had set for myself to learn, I will still be able to work to attain the same level of knowledge, but spread that knowledge out over a large variety of different subjects.

I’m nervous for this next year. I don’t know what it will hold, or where it will take me. I don’t know how far I will be stretched, or whether this ride will be an easy one. But something I can see for this year, is that it is going to be a new one. I’m going to make changes to the way I live, work and even cope with stress, I don’t want to return to the old patterns. I want to do new things, and although I’m scared to break out into something new like this, I’m really excited to see how God is going to build His truths in me during this coming season of life.

Summer Camp 2014 – Amplified

While I was praying I had this picture of a river. The water in this river was flowing strongly, not stopping in the face of the rocks that lay in the river. I felt like, as Christians, we are those stones. The water rushes past us and tries to pull us to the bottom of the hill, but if we have a strong footing in God’s Word, we won’t be swept away downhill with the current. Occasionally we will lose our place, but God will always bring things into our path to bring us back to Him.

Every year as I head off to camp, I wonder if this camp can top the last one. Every year, my mind is blown again as each camp shoots the last off the charts of awesomeness. This camp in particular, I really felt God working in my life in extraordinary ways.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been in quite a dark place these past couple of months, but I felt God’s power fill me with His freedom more than I’ve ever experienced at a camp before. There was a lot of breakthrough going on for everyone, the amount of tears was unbelievable, but at the same time, there was so much joy. Chains were breaking and every single person was affected, even when they were fighting against being touched by God. Our Lord is incredible and I am so proud to serve him.

There were plenty of special and hilarious moments spread throughout the four days we were away in Grabouw. My favourite being those belonging to the Wally of Camp – OJ, who showered in the girls’ bathroom, under the impression that the girl stuck in the stall had walked into the wrong room…and another unforgettable moment with my Bestie. My boyfriend, myself and a new friend were chatting together, and Kris (Bestie) walked up to the three of us and began chatting with me. Zach (new friend) motioned to Sam (boyfriend) asking if he and myself were together, to which Sam nodded and Kris grabbed on my shoulder, saying “And me!!!” quickly, to cause what is quite literally the most awkward, hilarious moment I’ve had 😀 Shame…that girl…she does that to herself every time I see her, but boy, is it funny  ❤

BlueX

2013 has passed quickly!

I love you

I don’t understand my best friends, and they don’t know me.

It’s as messed up as it sounds.

I’ve spent the past two weeks staying with various friends in Cape Town. It’s my six-monthly going-away holiday, and now it’s over. This past week has been pretty hard for me. I cried for two days straight, and I’m not quite sure why. I even felt homesick at one point, which is odd because I never feel like that, and generally I’m fighting for more time away from the volume my family commands. However, this holiday I’ve come to realise that friends carry an equally loud volume, and leave you with even less alone time. How I have never noticed this before, I do not know or understand.

I am quite a loner. I’ve discovered that people actually make me pretty grumpy, and I’d rather just spend time one-on-one with a particular special person than chill with a whole group of friends. I used to think that I was more of an extrovert, but “science has proven over the last year….” (just kidding, it hasn’t proven anything to me) that I get irritated by the youth and immaturity, and closed-mindedness of all my friends and often my family too. Sometimes I just want a little smidgen of quiet. On Tuesday I curled up on the couch, put a pillow to my face and cried. For about an hour. My friends still don’t know about it, and yet I was right in front of them the whole time. They never seem to get what it’s like being lonely, or what it’s like to see a certain best friend after six months of not hearing from them at all and then not see them again, despite having the time, means and opportunity to do so. They think they know who I am, but they literally have no clue.

And here’s what I realised: I don’t trust their reactions, they’re still pretty immature, thoughtless, and often inconsiderate. I struggle big-time with that, and therefore I don’t share my life or myself with them, although I encourage them to share with me. Isn’t that a little messed up maybe? Their thoughts and problems fill their minds, and mine are often so much more overwhelming that I have to withdraw with fear of shocking them.

Surely, seeing as they’re my best friends, I should desire to spend all my time with them and tell them everything, but what I found out was that my boys, my two ‘brothers’ and Sam, are the only people I really want to be completely honest with and become closer to. They understand me and they are always willing to comfort me when I feel like crap. These three guys I have all met in the last year, and they understand me better, and allow me to understand them, in a way I have NEVER had with my preschool girl friends. That’s a little crazy, I know, but I just can’t do that with the girls I know.

Pummeled and Polished – the Waves are Changing

It’s scary to think about next year, not knowing what’s going to happen. In the past, planning the new year always started at around this sort of time for me, but this year uncertainty cloaks everything and I am barely going from week to week. My life is a bit nomadic. Every three years or so the waves of normality are thrown off course and I am forced to make a drastic move outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel like a grain of sand or piece of shell, polished by the waves, but tossed about crazily. My normality has become change. I look at my friends with their comfortable plans and routines that never seem to differ as the weeks and months wear on. I look at my own life and I start feeling restless, like, I never want to stay in the same place twice. I want to see new things, I don’t want to get caught up in the same old stuff as everyone around me. I want to do big things, experience gigantic opportunities that are mindblowingly unheard-of-ly amazing! I want to become an island kid, or live in a hut on the mountainside. I want to become a musician, a famous one, but then leave that career to pursue the quieter life of a writer…I want to become well known, but stay completely anonymous. I don’t want to be just another grain of sand in the vast beaches of the coast. I want to escape the turmoil of swirling waves…I want to create my own waves and live in the adventure of those. I want to know that I can be ambitious and be able to reach those dreams, to be able to make them reality. I want to be different and to do something different. I want to change.

This next year is looking to be an adventure of a different kind. I’m not sure what is going to happen but the options are scary huge. I could not have ever imagined doing things like this, but I have to wait for the waves to hit me before I know their strength. So I stand. Waiting. Expectant.

The Happiness Compilation

The Happiness Compilation

This really made me smile going into the week 🙂

Society Obsession

Why, as today’s society, are we so obsessed with everyone else’s business and yet, we are determined to stay hidden? If all we desire is privacy and the ability to live our lives quietly, how do we have the right to know every intimate detail about how the rest of the world is living? How fulfilling is it to read celebrity scandal anyway? It does nothing for our hearts and doesn’t uplift our standing as people…we are just using others to make ourselves feel better about the things we do, as it then seems like we are doing okay, not being involved in all the crap that “they” are. However, if that is our reasoning, we too have a lot of crap we need to overcome. Why do we allow ourselves to be caught up in the lie that says we can use other people to make us feel better about ourselves. We deserve to continue feeling terrible in this case, and maybe instead of reading that next tabloid paper or magazine we should just try to live better lives ourselves instead of engaging self-justification.

Quote for the day :D

What’s important is not how we get a dream, but whether we have one, and whether we will allow God to work in our lives so that He can accomplish what He had in mind when He gave it to us. – David Seamands

Half a Million Secrets

I found this talk and idea very touching. It’s such a simple thing but it’s so powerful. You can also check out the website at http://postsecret.com and there are thousands of other inspirational TED talks over here. I discovered them through the online psychology course I was taking a few months back, they are so amazing, they made me watch this one and I’m very glad that I did! 😀

Blue x